songs to make up to

There are three kinds of change - that which jangle in your pocket, that which happens gradually and that which blows you away in an instant.

one day I came across Ta-ku's latest release from his EP, Songs To Make Up To, and I remembered how exactly one year ago I was in the same place, in the same period, listening to his previous EP, and then everything in between the two points just flashed in quick succession behind my eyelids. It caught me completely unaware but I suppose it made sense because there was a small part of me that is still grieving. When we speak of change we can dichotomize it in terms of gains and losses; when others mention about "losing", "letting go", I contend with that notion because loss implies a possibility of finding it again but I won't. Some things just stay dead and gone. perhaps its better that way, but what do I know.

in this part of the story he would sit across the floor just as he always did

sorry he says.
it's okay, she says. sometimes things we don't understand happen and it just does.
i know, but still. he looks at her with tired eyes and traces the opening of the beer bottle.
please forgive me, i'm so sorry.
don't be, it's my fault too, there's nothing to forgive, she says.

I opened my eyes and I am overwhelmed by this inexplicable sense that I've just experienced some long, forgotten dream. I packed up my things and hiked my way back to my room. I think I cried a little, but really I'm okay. Some things are beyond our control.

They say the cure for anything is salt - sweat, tears, and seawater.
I threw myself into work, I grieved and cried about the should-have-beens and maybe I might just find a beach somewhere where I can just be.
I found a tiny beach house on a secret reef off a small island, off Lombok, off Bali. It's a small slice of perfect paradise and I might just pack up and stay there for a while. My post-finals plans are still up in the air for now but if I can spare some time and money to do it, I think I will.

st. jerome's laneway

St. Jerome's Laneway 2015

Undoubtedly, Laneway was insane and intense and despite the fact that I'm supposed to be on austerity measures, I'm glad I went. It was a pretty hot day and my skin was slick with sweat but I couldn't give two shits about it and just went about soaking in the festival feels with my bae, 'manda. 

*check that ferris wheel at the background that totes makes Laneway look like a fake ass Coachella

It was a magical experience catching several of my favourite acts LIVE! I finally fulfilled my tween self's concert bucket list of catching Angus & Julia Stone and that moment when they blew us away with Big Jet Plane as well as their own rendition of Grease's You're The One That I Want. 

Most of the acts that I wanted to see was later in the night so we went about exploring the place and I absolutely love how you could be/dress whatever you wanted and you fit right in. I saw girls dressed in popping neon colours from head to toe and I saw this bearded guy wearing a full tribal headpiece rocking out on the pavements. Honestly, by Laneway standards, I think we could possibly be under dressed. It's my first time at Laneway so this whole experience is pretty new to me and I was enjoying every liberating minute of it. I was so in the mood to do whatever the heck I wanted but Amanda stopped me from getting a tattoo at Sailor Jerry's though.

As the sun began to set, we were partying hard (re: awkward girls dancing) to Jungle, an act that we discovered at the festival itself. Gotta love their tracks Busy Earnin' and Time. 

At nine, BANKS was out and we were all the way at the front. Our chests were pounding from the bass because we were in front of the speakers as well. I think Amanda almost fainted but it was well worth it. I mean I gave up Chet Faker at Cloud Stage so that I could be stationed at the ready for Change/This Is What It Feels Like/Drowning/Beggin' For Thread. Apart from her "smoked-too-many-cigs" breathy tones, she is drop-dead gorgeous. She also has this lazy way of moving around the stage like she was gliding while her hands shook powerfully to the music.

Finally at ten was the act that I waited the whole night for - FKA Twigs. I have loved her from long ago when I chanced upon Papi Pacify and she had me entranced since. I was at the front, durrrr, cause classic case of an absolute refusal to miss out and I was right to do so. She made her stunning entrance out from the smoke ready to captivate us in Preface. And from the beginning of the set, she is impossible to look away because the way she sings/moves/dances is insanely captivating. I think my heart almost skipped a beat when she (vaguely) pointed in my direction when my hands were up swaying to Ache. Yeah, I'm a complete lame-o fangirl for her but that's because she's simply fantastic.  There's just this hauntingly magical feel to her performance. I swear I almost cried when she sang Give Up - Water Me - Papi Pacify. When I embarrassingly echoed this sentiment to Amanda, she said she felt the exact same way. Two Weeks was amazing as expected but she ended up closing her set with How's That while all this time I was waiting for Video Girl. Heck, that gives me all the more reason to see her again. 

I have an incredible love for music and despite some nasty shoving and pushing I'm glad Laneway gave me the opportunity to check off some of the acts that I really want to see. Hopefully next year there will be The xx, The Neighbourhood, The Weeknd, Florence + The Machine!

cut from marble / smoother than a storm

" I can't believe you spent 1 hour making internet xlbs" - Amanda See, 2014 

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaa, that's what you get when you are a) reluctant to leave your blanket maki roll in the winter and b) in severe financial deficit and c) have shitty VPN at home. 

Also, I'm currently hella obsessed with Lorde's "Yellow Flicker Beat" esp. the Kanye West rework. He is truly a production Yeezus. And her music video directed by Emily Kai Bock is such a lovely cinematic gem. Much love. 

avalanche

Have you ever wondered what was the reason you got out of bed every morning?
I did, but I couldn't give you an answer. It comes with the sobering clarity that I never really lived my life the
way I wanted it to be.

When your breath is squeezed out of your lungs like blood out of stone, it makes one step back to look at things with a different perspective. I had spent about twenty years rushing ahead and chasing blindly and now I am stuck at crossroads, stranded in between somewhere and nowhere. Lost in the echoes of another time and place, I cling onto what I know is familiar. But I now know that it is time to let go.

My whole life is a performance - I do things for people. In summation, I am the infinitive verb, 'to serve'. I wanted to be that girl who could make you happy - as a daughter, a friend, a lover and I tried to be good enough but therein lies the paradox - the ideal will not be reached; you will never be enough.

I am bone weary of jumping over hurdles of inadequacy and insufficiency. I want to do things because it made me happy, because I wanted to. As egocentric as all of this sounds, I just want to be.

I had a cigarette just now. Which is not a good idea because my breaths are coming shorter and shallower but I did it because I wanted to. So if I close my eyes and die in my sleep, at least I am comforted by the fact it was a choice that was wholly mine.

between the spaces

You know what they say about history; it's a string full of knots. There's also his side and her side and the truth. You tell your version and I tell mine but we're not lying either. Then I start to wonder about different scenarios of our stories, each with a different ending.

It's 3am and my mind wanders. I stared into the flickering candlelight trying to reign it back home. Should is an iron cage, a jacket that doesn't fit, a pair of trousers that are tight around the knees. I watched the flame die out. I'm exhausted too. Probably from the travelling I have done.

After all, the longest distance is when I stand in front of you and you ignore me.

longing [adj.]

So I've been trawling a variety of music blogs and the Soundcloud space for eargasms and I came across Ta-ku and a couple of his remixes and songs from his EP Songs to Break Up To and it's pretty sick. It's not heavy on lyrics but there's a lot of emotional depth to it. Especially, I Miss You which is the stand-out track for me.

Throw in the fact that the year is coming to a close, it really got me reflecting on the past 20 years of my life. That's not to say that I was like duhhhh I'm so emo my life sux but it just got me thinking that you can't always get what you want (Okay that is such a cop out from The Rolling Stones) but it really seems like it. It's incredibly frustrating when you want something so badly and it just slips between your fingers.

During rehearsal today, I kept urging Chun Hou to emote more for his character by thinking about something that he longed for but made him upset he couldn't get it in the end. I could think of quite a few personal examples for myself but he was all I can't think of anything because there's no point harbouring over things that are out of your control. It's probably the first time I wanted to hit him not for being retarded but for the fact that I'm ridiculously envious of his ability to just get over things easily.

Sometimes it's just hard to let go because it's just right there but you know, nobody ever said this was easy. It's always okay to want, because it gives direction and ambition. The toughest bit is knowing when to stop and say this is enough.