deep within me there's a human
a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen
Everyone has desires. I know I have my fair share of mine.
The heart starts beating fast and you feel your breath quicken and there's this overwhelming sense of want. And yet people sabotage their own hopes. I get it though. I can't shake the illogical notion that if I want something, it's going to be important to me and if I have it that also means it could be taken away from me and I don't want that so I screw it up or run away. It seems like the best thing to do is to not let it in in the first place. Loss can render even the strong to be vulnerable. It really hurts. It is complete shit.
Settling for second/third/fourth-best or none at all can make you okay but in truth you'll never ever be satisfied.
I guess I got a complete shock when you think you're alright and something/someone comes along and your body just responds to the magnetism of the idea of whatever it is and the whole world becomes so heightened. I've let these slip by me before and I have always looked back and wondered what if. Maybe I would have been happier. Maybe I would have been in a different country even.
I thought protecting myself this way was what I needed to do.
I'm not so sure anymore.