a long weekend

And there we have it, the end of Long Weekend - a month-long production hustle as part of the inaugural 20-something theatre festival. It literally just ended a few hours ago and yet I'm already feeling the post-production blues. 

I believe in this production - to give a voice to the marginalized LGBTQ community. This play, is a heartfelt one written by Kenneth and I hope we have done it justice. In the midst of preparing for this show, my eyes have opened wide to the struggles and the issues being faced by the community at large. Through Long Weekend, I hope it reminds people that we are more similar than we are dissimilar - that the human condition is a universal one and we partake in shared experiences such as joy and loss, regardless of our sex, gender, age, sexual orientation or religion.

Btw, this is my first PAID acting gig - I've been paid before doing dramaturgy but I've always been doing non-paid acting gigs for stage and film. I used to think that remuneration didn't matter because I'm still new and I want to improve myself so a good learning experience felt like enough of a payment. But there's this sense of legitimacy which comes with paid work of productions that I believe in- a sense of 'hey, I'm doing good work' and I'm being recognized for it. It's a cheap thrill but one that anchors me during times where I doubt myself of being able to make a living in the theatre industry. 

I was so nervous auditioning for the role, I spent hours prepping for it in my car/in the shower/in my head because I wanted it really badly. I didn't care if the honorarium was $100 or $1, I just wanted to be able to say 'I got paid for doing something I love'. When I was offered the role on the spot, I literally screeched and hugged the director, Mitch (who probably thought me mad). 

Flashback to when I was 17, and I was finally found the courage to let myself try drama. After the many years of secretly performing monologues in the mirror at home when nobody's looking, I finally found the courage to walk up to the director of Night of Laughter in ACJC. It was off-season for bowling so I told her very frankly that I will commit my time to it; that she should audition me and give me a chance. She auditioned me on the spot and I got the role. My first role was Bill #3 in Sure Thing by David Ives. A small role but a big step. I haven't looked back since. 

From just performing to random handfuls of people, I have now performed in a production with sold-out shows and garnered good reviews (see here & here). Each small step I've taken have led me to come so far from when I first started. I know that I have so much more to learn, so much more to improve but now and then, it is amazing to see the significant changes to me as an actor. 

For those who know me personally, it is very common to hear me whine incessantly about how I'm afraid of the year from now because I have to make the choice if I want to go down the road less travelled or take some other "safer" route. It has been a dilemma that I've struggled with for years on end. Do I go to law school or do I commit to my craft as an actor? 

After this production, I realized that this is a choice that I cannot make; it has been made for me. I NEED to be in theatre - whether I can make a living out of it is another question but I feel so drawn towards this field that there is absolutely no way I can give it up. This enlightenment hit me randomly yesterday after our show. Despite just being part of an ensemble, and only being on stage at certain scenes, I had some audience members who told me that they loved my energy and enjoyed watching me on stage. Truly, these comments are much treasured, a reminder to keep striving to be a better actor. 

 One of the biggest takeaway of this production is, of course, the newfound friendships I made with the cast & crew of Long Weekend. We saw each other so frequently! We hung out after rehearsals, attended Pink Dot and watched shows together.

I'm sorry I didn't make hand-written cards! Somehow it didn't feel like goodbye and I thought that I will probably see you guys again anyway (lol) But here it is anyway, in a dedicated blog post:

To Kenneth,

You are a fabulous playwright - in more ways than one. Thank you for letting me be part of the opportunity to see your play come to life. When you announced that you got selected for this festival, I thick-skinnedly (sorry not sorry) asked you to keep me in the loop for auditions. I actually thought you wouldn't (I mean I only met you once randomly), but you did and I really have to thank you for sharing the audition details to me. 

To Mitchell,

Of course, thank you for casting and directing me! You remind me of a talking, walking University essay but you have a lovely voice so I always listen intently HAHA, but seriously, I love that you direct with heart. I'm sure you have had many sleepless nights pondering over your directorial vision and hey! It paid off! Thank you for always clarifying my doubts and answering my inane questions about anything and everything. I learnt a lot from you! I will wear white t-shirts more often too. 

To Terry,

Goldfish! Thanks for the good chats in the car on the way back from a long rehearsal. We didn't even know each other's name when we first met but we hit it off anyway! You were the first person I talked to in the production and I was so glad to have somebody I could talk to. 

To Juni,

Wtf you do not look your age?! I'll miss your youthful exuberance during rehearsals - it's very contagious! You are always bursting into the room in a song! And your voice is hella awesome. I'm so glad I got to hear you sing live during Pink Dot! 

To Tasha,

O M G I'll never forget how we totally flunked Normal's audition together and how Huzir, Claire and Faith probably thought we were both friends and auditioned together when we didn't even knew each other back then. You are so lovely, I can't describe it - like you always have this brightness that you bring around with you? Let's do theatre mods together next sem!!!

To Mario,

I'll miss you, you crazy fake Italian plumber. I love our mad times together - be it trying to seduce Ben or Japan Hour moments or doing Insanity/Zumba or hunting for healthy food and guilt-free desserts! I secretly love watching you dance - you have such an amazing physicality to you! Congratulations on getting into Laselle's MT! I'll be there for all your shows fo' sure! 

To Zenda,

Hello regal eagle, I'm still waiting to read your script!!! You know I was actually quite terrified of you because you looked so ~ cool~ but the more I got to know you, the more I was "wow this girl is so cool?!" I hope you know that you are beautiful inside and out and that you really belong in theatre. Let me know when your next show is cause I'll be there!!!

To Haoboon,

Wts HB, you are damn hardworking!!! You put me to shame. Even though your role was smaller than the rest, you still gave your 110% commitment and that is really admirable. You are also insanely good at Bishi Bashi and BISHI BASHI IS HARD. All the best for your upcoming graphic novel!!!

To Ben(gay),

You are an excellent SM and you provide deep, penetrating relief to the production because of the sheer dedication to your job. Thank you for bearing the logistical weight of Long Weekend. Thank you for being the understudy to all of our roles- filling in and taking notes when someone is missing from rehearsal. our role is so tough and yet you do it so well! You're crazy.  Also, the image of you prancing around in a strap-on has been seared to my brain. Also, I'm sorry (not sorry) I flashed you my tit. 

To Pearl,

Thanks Pearl for being our cool ASM and making sure that we don't screw up our props preset and being the Robin to Ben's Batman. I still can't fathom how you can make sweeping look so effortlessly chic (lol) but truly grateful that you helped the production even though you had your trampoline competition! plz take theatre mods with me next sem

To Jia Hui and Augustina, 

Thank you for making these costumes, and altering it over and over again! I know that you guys had to come down so many times and even got completely drenched on one of your visits to take our measurements. I'm really sorry that I keep ripping my pants!!! Thank you for the extra pants on standby! My friend said that the costumes were really lovely in catching the light.

To TK and Sarah,

Thanks for the long nights you had to make our set and props! What is Long Weekend without the gigantic closet and a life-sized dick helmet? The amount of detail and effort given to the sets and props is mind-blowing. I secretly wanted to keep the penguin outfit cause it was just so well-made. Thank you for spicing up our play! I would never been able to do what you guys have done for this production. 

Yep, that's the end of my sappiness! I definitely want to be able to work with all of you guys in the future. All y'all are so multi-talented (singing??? dancing???), I hope we cross paths on stage again. PLZ REMEMBER ME WHEN Y'ALL ARE FAMOUS.

Once again, from the Long Weekend cast and crew, thank you for all those who took the time to come down and support us! You know who you are! xoxo

alive

finally crawled out of my hidey-hole onto this virtual plane

I created this small little space in the infinite and ever-changing digital web because I wanted somewhere to deposit my thoughts and feelings about anything and everything; to do as I wish and to articulate as I like. And one day, last year, I decided that it was time for me to take a break. Not because I didn't have anything to say, but because I didn't wish to say anything. Just as I have the power to speak, I also have the power to silence and I left it here, lingering in limbo for the past year or so.

Honestly, it's quite strange looking at all my past posts - viewing them through a lens and eyeing them as historical artifacts of sorts. Discourse is situated in history - the photographs I posted triggers a spontaneous and unexpected momentary sensation of the past, songs I once obsessed stimulated fleeting feelings which took me back to an immediate past. Browsing through them made me cling to a past self that I look upon with a blend of happiness and sadness - a nostalgic take on a past persona that is so strange and familiar at the same time.
Every moment forward puts a distance between me and her, and that bridging of distance in space and time has given me a much needed perspective.

Xue and I spent last night reconnecting after months of radio silence - 6,060 miles apart, and still we were both consumed by the exact same things that led us to disappear for a good chunk of time.
We talked about how we were thankful for the grace of perspective, and though we are still stumbling, we are grounded by a quiet acceptance of the things that have happened for it had a bigger purpose and reason.

Incidentally, I took out my well-loved travel wallet and found some folded receipts - it was dated 2012 for one wool beret and one chai latte. I didn't realise immediately it was mine until I deduced that there could only be one possible person who actually drinks chai latte. It has been so long.
P.S. XUE WA ME

Having said that, I shall gingerly move into yet another crazy year

songs to make up to

There are three kinds of change - that which jangle in your pocket, that which happens gradually and that which blows you away in an instant.

one day I came across Ta-ku's latest release from his EP, Songs To Make Up To, and I remembered how exactly one year ago I was in the same place, in the same period, listening to his previous EP, and then everything in between the two points just flashed in quick succession behind my eyelids. It caught me completely unaware but I suppose it made sense because there was a small part of me that is still grieving. When we speak of change we can dichotomize it in terms of gains and losses; when others mention about "losing", "letting go", I contend with that notion because loss implies a possibility of finding it again but I won't. Some things just stay dead and gone. perhaps its better that way, but what do I know.

in this part of the story he would sit across the floor just as he always did

sorry he says.
it's okay, she says. sometimes things we don't understand happen and it just does.
i know, but still. he looks at her with tired eyes and traces the opening of the beer bottle.
please forgive me, i'm so sorry.
don't be, it's my fault too, there's nothing to forgive, she says.

I opened my eyes and I am overwhelmed by this inexplicable sense that I've just experienced some long, forgotten dream. I packed up my things and hiked my way back to my room. I think I cried a little, but really I'm okay. Some things are beyond our control.

They say the cure for anything is salt - sweat, tears, and seawater.
I threw myself into work, I grieved and cried about the should-have-beens and maybe I might just find a beach somewhere where I can just be.
I found a tiny beach house on a secret reef off a small island, off Lombok, off Bali. It's a small slice of perfect paradise and I might just pack up and stay there for a while. My post-finals plans are still up in the air for now but if I can spare some time and money to do it, I think I will.

possibilities

Possibilities are infinities that exists amongst infinities. 

Assuming that you can predict that each individual decision you make represents one out of the infinite possibilities, to which your follow-up action has a comparable number of options, an algorithmic analysis of all possibilities would entail the following statements:

(a) The number of possible combinations exceeds the known universe

(b) Paralleling cardinality of the continuum a la George Cantor's 1874 uncountability proof, there exists different infinities. (Cross-reference to John Green's "some infinities are bigger than others")

Keeping this is mind, what would you have done differently in your life? Or what would have changed if this happened instead or that? 

Of course, my line of thought should rationally end here as this is a thought experiment and, according to my professor, "thought experiments are rendered moot because it's not feasible so why bother", but I simply couldn't help myself. 

There is always this fantasy about a parallel life - she would get immigration papers, he would come home safe from the war, we would get married and have a beautiful house in the country with 2 children and a dog etc. I do this all the time. I construct my own version of the perfect parallel universe; in another life we would have talked, you wouldn't have gone away, I should have showed you how much I cared, we would have exhaustedly held each other under the sheets, knew that this was too far gone, there would be a future after this is done. 

But these are dreams that hold as much weight as emptiness. This is not a perfect world. In its place, almost every night, I am wrecked with nightmares about the what-ifs and the could-have-beens and when I wake up, my heart aches so badly and it dies a little. 

It is my greatest wonder if the I, who lives in a parallel universe, is happier then the I who exists here.

moral hazards

the importance of emotional detox

Today is the day where I finally appreciated the importance of emotional detox. 

As an actor, you will soon realize that the power of theatre comes from the actor; the truth of the performance comes from the actor being alive and the depths of her humanity. This means that the actor puts herself at risk, in front of strangers, by showing her vulnerability. 

Today, I finally hit an artistic breakthrough and had a great leap forward as an actor in which I was able to fully experience the emotional trajectory of my character. Without giving away to the plot, my character is described as "someone who doesn't know what his limits are and pushed himself to the point of depression." With that being said, it's a dangerous path to travel down. Immediately, we can think about Heath Ledger and his work as The Joker in The Dark Knight. Or we can even think about how Dakota Johnson was just a naked girl shackled by chains with a guy looming over her when the scene ended in 50 Shades of Grey. There are examples of actors who completely lost it because of their commitment to their role, and it's a very scary thing. During today's rehearsal, I felt completely raw and emotionally dirty like, to put in bluntly, being fucked hard in the worst way possible. It really brought me to a dark place where I accessed memories of things I would rather lock away. 

My director talks about the importance of emotional hygiene - an actor needs to have good mental health lest the character's issues bleeds into his own and affects his own life. The character's issues are his own and the actor's issues are her own. There needs to be this explicit distinction. This was very salient to me; I managed to bring myself back after the first run but going through the emotional roller-coaster the second time consecutively took such an emotional toil to me.After the second time, I could feel the ghosts lingering and I felt so dirty and raw and completely discombobulated. I thought to myself, I raised the stake emotionally in the play and made a breakthrough as an actress but at what cost? 

Thinking about how the show is a week away, to be honest, freaks me out a little. It's set in a black box in a theatre in the round. This means to say that the setting is extremely intimate. To show a whole bunch of strangers this side of me is extremely nerve wrecking. As someone who tries to be as professional as possible, this is a moral hazard I must take in stride but I don't have the expertise or the actor training to deal with this in the best way. 

I spent the rest of the day lost in my own mind. When night fell, I couldn't take it anymore so I went for a run. I usually struggle to run the entire course without feeling this compulsion to give up, but somehow today I needed it so badly to the point where I just kept going until I didn't realise I actually finished my route. I know Dakota Johnson drinks wine and takes a long bath after her scenes, and yeah, it does help. I had a nice, warm cup of Milo with good company and I am enjoying a glass of wine as I write this. 

I know it's natural to be scared and there's a part of me that wishes that nobody I know would attend so strangers can just watch and forget about me by the next week or so. I look at the remnants of my visible scars and I honestly question myself, how far can I take this? 

I don't really know how to articulate this situation at hand but it certainly calls to mind, Ingrid Bergman's Persona (1966) Alma's Confessions. So here it is; to understand what it is like to bare your own demons to the world. 

ॐ

"I want to rest

I want to breathe quietly again" 

- Tennessee Williams, A Streetcar Named Desire

- - -

I am experiencing all sorts of good ~positive vibes~ today. My limbs are all relaxed and loose and I'm in this unshakeable state of calm for the past 12 hours. It's such a good feeling, like one of those days, where you are just perfectly contented to just lie down and do nothing else but be in peace with your own thoughts.

This is probably attributed to the yoga class I went this morning with Amanda. Both of us were tired but completely blissed out. I used to go to Hom Yoga but I made the jump to Yoga Movement and honestly I had a great first class. I finally did the crow pose for 1 sec which was better than none at all.

I can't assert how much I love this feeling. If I could I would bottle it up, and open it sparingly on days when I truly need it.

Truthfully, I tend to get lost in my own thoughts, just more so nowadays than others. And for some reason I came across the story of St. Francis of Assisi in Dante's Inferno of The Divine Comedy and about how he risked his soul to descend into hell for an unscrupulous fraudster, Guido I da Montefeltro. I understand that a) this is not the only interpretation of events and b) it's fiction but nevertheless, this is how it would be predicted to be according to his character and manner in real life. It's so compelling to know of a real figure that has so much compassion and mercy; it makes me feel like the way of my life is far too worldly, in the sense that it is limited to the nature of its existence. My friend astutely pointed out that the story I shared is analogous to the story of Jesus but nevertheless it has awakened some sort of spiritual-moral awakening.

I think it's been a long time coming. I say this in light of how there may be claims that I may be a 21 year old undergraduate but I have an emotional maturity of a pubescent teen and a slightly off-centre moral compass. Then again, everyone is different, I am just taking a longer (and more scenic) path to getting there.

P.S. To God be the glory, the best is yet to be.

saint valentine

Photo by Charmaine Tay 

I love Valentine's Day and I have absolutely no qualms about celebrating 14th Feb even though I'm single. It's not mutually exclusive, and just because I don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean that my capacity to love and show affection has been diminished. People forget that love isn't just about eros/romance but it also encapsulates storge/affection, philia/friendship, agape/unconditional love.

I get quite peeved when people make passing comments that by virtue of the commercial value placed upon the ideal of 'a couple', singletons are doomed to a day of hiding at home and throwing darts at photos of happy couples and being a whole ball of angst. Obviously, a fallacy is at play here - just because someone is alone doesn't mean someone is lonely. It's not the same thing and there's an important distinction between the two. This then leads to yet another corresponding fallacy - being in love and being able to love is two separate notions.

It's an open secret that I love hard and I love deep. I do not take kindly to people who undermine my (or anyone else's) 14th Feb celebrations as a second-best attempt to reconcile the 'situation' of being alone with the 'pressures' of a holiday that is biased towards those in relationships.

Saint Valentine's is important to me in the sense that it is that one day in the year that I can freely show and express how thankful I am of those whom I love.
Despite my every busy schedule, I always have something planned over the weekend and this year is no different!

la première partie du weekend Saint Valentin: 14th Feb

Quick lunch with Char Tay at DOME because nothing beats a good lunch in summer like good company and a amazing glass of iced earl grey tea with lychee. Thank you bb for travelling all the way down to spend that short amount of lunchtime with me :-* Also, I finally realised that you prefer real flowers over my practical, everlasting drawn ones. Duly noted for next year!

Proceeded for my movie date with Mr. Grey!

The A3 girls were like wtf that I coordinated my outfit for the movie but hey - Marble Print Cami from Chloe Choo, White Zara Origami Skorts (yes they're the real deal), Lovisa silver necklace and Silver sequinned loafers from London Rebel, what's not to love?

As for the movie itself, I love the cinematography of the movie, bless you Seamus McGarvey. Sam Taylor-Johnson also did a great job in bringing the steamy sex scenes to vision in such a tasteful manner. It is my duty to provide a public announcement that the director "Sam" is actually a "Samantha" and it was only through her lens was the movie an artistic one rather than a crude one that everyone expected. In terms of acting, Dakota Johnson outshone Jamie Dornan right from the get-go. 10 minutes into the movie and I was relieved that she gave so much life to Ana Steele as a character (no inner goddesses included) I was also enchanted by that beautiful Audi R8 V10 Spyder that was such a beautiful and sensual vision on wheels.

After a riveting movie experience, italian dinner at Supply + Demand where us A3 girls talked non-stop over dinner even though we practically see (and live) with each other for at least 5 days a week. The food was okay, the ambience was better, and the conversations and company best.  

la deuxième du weekend Saint Valentin: 15th Feb

I woke up with a fever because 50 shades have gotten me too hot under the collar. Hah! I jest, but seriously, I was completely wiped out and woke up at 7pm, determined to get to a reunion dinner with AA2. 

Thank god that I managed to be well enough to enjoy spending time with this bunch of trolls. Seriously, 4 years have passed since we graduated but whenever we get together it certainly feels like we're 18 again and we're back in AC being the infamous class giving our teachers a headache. We most certainly don't talk like normal friends, the way we converse is by shooting each other snide/snarky remarks with a slight dash of wit. Of course, there're no ill intentions because that's the way we are - We're complete trolls but we know we've got each other's back. Unfortunately, I was the target for the night and my brain was too fried to even try to counter but whatever I was too busy eating the damn good food. We had Roasted Herbed Chicken, Sweet Potato Fries, Pan-Seared Scallops and Prawns, Chocolate Mousse etc. all lovingly prepared by the talented Janeen who just returned after taking a leave of absence to study at Le Cordon Bleu in London. 

Okay, I seriously miss the Valentine's Day weekend already. It was such an insane bout of back-to-back fun with people I love. Hehe, thinking about it makes me happy :-) fingers crossed I get better asap so that I'll be all set for CNY! x

odyssey

Photos by Teresa Lim

"The truth is, life is getting unpredictable. Borders between countries are constantly being redrawn; the continental plates and coastlines are shifting. The world that I once knew is no more. I am happy but I have never been so. I guess it's all foreign territory to me." 

It is my deepest belief that distance provides time and perspective. Travelling changes you - the way you think; the way you perceive; the way you act - all on the grounds of unfamiliarity. 

I sorely miss travelling. The nervous excitement bubbling within me makes me feel so much alive, and every step I take just proves how big the world is and how comparatively small I am. It is as if anything can happen! There's this surge of feelings that makes you feel like rushing out there and grabbing life by the hands. Moments like these makes me think, in awe and slight intimidation, no human can be the master of the universe. It is too big and too wondrous for us to even comprehend.  

Before leaving for Shanghai, China, there was a part of me that felt like I was making the wrong decision, and that perhaps I should have opted for the easier choice of going to UK where I know I would undoubtedly enjoy myself. In hindsight, I'm glad that I made that choice to push myself. It definitely wasn't all roses and I did suffer (in silence) when the slew of bad things happened but the experience has irrevocably changed me. 

I have changed - in a good way, in fact. It is as if someone turned on the light switch and I am finally able to see things for what it is. This sounds slightly absurd but being away from Singapore really led me to confront myself. I am not ashamed to have said that I cried a lot. I finally had some time to myself and dealt with the issues I hastily swept under the rug to move on with my life. One by one, I processed them, felt the pain of it, accepted it and let it go. You can say that overseas, there isn't a need for the veil of pretense and this vulnerability is the best time for you to confront yourself. I think that's important because pain demands to be felt. Once you acknowledged it, the pain can't kill you and you don't need to carry it around with you any more. 

Returning back to Singaporean soil after the 4-month bootcamp, it seems as if I am no longer congruent to the familiar environments. There seems to be a paradigm shift where I just am unable to comprehend the person I was before. I am struggling to make sure that I remember what I have learnt and never go back to that state. It scares me when there are times where it seems like I am slowly forgetting what I have promised myself because it's so easy to just fall back into the same routine. My eyes have been opened and I am fighting to make sure it stays that way. 

to be human

Here's a thought experiment that was raised in class:

If each neuron in your brain is replaced with an artificial device , would the artifact -i.e. you- be the same "person"? 

And I said, "Well, a materialist would say that if the artificial device is able to duplicate the causal features of the brain, in the sense that it is exact and specific to the neuron it replicated in terms of its functions (such as the ability to adapt) and its physicality, then the result would still be the same person. But rationality aside, I would like to believe that each of us have a soul."

You may call me a dualist - one who believes that the mind and the body are separate entities, because at the core of my perhaps seemingly irrational belief, is that each one of us are more than just a product of biological processes; an existence that is beyond logical comprehension. I believe in a soul, which goes to say that I believe in the human condition and its inherent conception of humanity. How else do you explain or comprehend those moments that touches us and shakes us at our very core? We are an anthology of different experiences that differentiates us from other living creatures.

This also proves my unshakeable belief that art is important. It is an embodiment of our humane expression - a bit of ourselves we give to the world to share and empathise with.

Maybe that's why I, in my moments of tension and stress, turn to a very simple routine. In the cloak of the night, I burn my musk-scented candle. drink a cup of wine (today's zinfandel), listen to downtempo music and look at photography and/or write.

From my past experiences, I can say with the utmost confidence that I am able to work like a machine. But most of the times I feel a lot better when I take a step back and acknowledge my weakness and my vulnerabilities; to breathe and to let go and to accept the limits of my own human self.

So here is a product of such moments : here
these are a series of work that I produced when I am at my most introspective/reflective. This work of progress is not a call for literary criticism nor it is a display of creative prowess. It is simply my life manifesto born out of lived experiences. This manifestation of prose and poetry is an acknowledgement of my own humanity and sharing a part of it helps me deal with that. It is my greatest joy if you are able to find resonance with my words because ultimately what I'm saying is that - your suffering/your pleasures/your guilt/your anxieties/ - you're not alone in them. I feel as you are. Take comfort in that.

inside

“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”

I realise what's hard is juggling a sort of triple life - private, public and secret. Because if Person No. 1 only knows Sides 1-2-3 and Person No.2 only knows Sides 7-8-9 of you, then your sense of self becomes so dissected into small slivers that you feel obligated to play the part that they already know. It becomes so hard to express how you truly feel/talk to someone I trust about it, partly because you don't know how to either. I've had different friends/acquaintances share their perceptions of me and their answers are so diverse from a morose,isolated artist pensive about uncertainty and death to a cheerful idealist who loves sharing bad jokes and pick-up lines to all who would listen. My tendency to compartmentalise myself is more for the benefit for others but when it starts to bleed into one another, then I can't help but to withdraw because there's this feeling that there's something I desperately need to hide from that person. I feel unwilling to turn to anyone because I don't want them to be "she's acting all strange"/"oh that's not the Shannen I know" etc. but sometimes I wonder how much that really matters because isolation makes everything feel worse. I literally ache for somebody/something/someone that I can show my best and worst sides to and be okay with it. Like "hey here's a jumbled mess of me" and he/she/it will be "alright, that's cool, here's mine" and we just get on with whatever. 

2 a.m. thoughts because the months in Shanghai has made me a lot more critical and reflective. I thought a lot more clearly 3,803 km away and now that I'm back, I don't want to fall back into a comfortable trap and become the pre-Shanghai me, as if the things that happened in Shanghai didn't exist/matter, because it did. So this is me consciously practising self-reflexivity. It's true that distance, time and space can open your eyes. 

goodbye 2014

Photo by Yen

One year ago on this day, in 2014, I was, for lack of a better word, a complete mess.
I was barely keeping it together and the only way I knew how to protect myself was to keep taking on more workload - school, work, productions, outside responsibilities, anything that could take my mind off. I ended up crashing and burning so hard and landed myself two tickets to A&E.

I never want to go through that ever again.

Things got better slowly in the middle of the year - I directed a play and taught theatre to prisoner's children in Nepal, celebrated my 21st, found myself a darling group of freshies in NUS who are extremely dear to me, stumbled upon Miss Singapore International and won Miss Personality, took adventure by the hands and went on student exchange in Shanghai.

I'm proud to say that I'm no longer a shell of my former self as I was a year ago. 2014 was such a tumultuous year for me but it did reveal to me my own vulnerabilities, desires, and needs ;it certainly gone on to show who truly were the important people in my life and what were the important beliefs I need to hold steadfast to.

Just as I thought I was finally becoming an adult, I made so many unfathomable mistakes. But I have accepted that part of my life and have moved on. The past is a place of reference, not a place of residence. I can only hope that I don't forget all the painful lessons I've learnt as I brace myself for the new year, 2015.

I'm quite into listography so here is a list of 10 important things on how to keep the crazy out:

1. Take care of your physical self
2. Consider & plan for the worst case scenarios
3. Do your best but know & accept your limits
4. Think as linearly as possible (Focus on one thing at a time)
5. Don't accept other people's timeline as your own
6. Be extremely protective of your time
7. Get assistance if needed
8. Reverse engineer the life you want to live
9. Let other people in 
10. Get rid of the people & relationships that drains you

Thank you to those who came along with me on my adventures and dramatic episodes in 2014. 

Let's start another chapter in 2015! x 

walls

"Walls surface unexpectedly, beyond the grasp of control and perfection. Wait for them, or search them out - that is the practice. Go hit a wall. Keep hitting, keep dealing, keep crying, keep it real. Live life, live your moments, don’t run away. Pain is our spiritual teacher - from it, through it, we unleash ourselves free."

What do you know about skeletons in the closet?
You try to organize them into neat piles because you just want to do something - anything - about it. There's this sickening guilt that comes with holding the key to this closet, and it eats you up like a slow rot inside your gut. In front of anybody else, you smile and pretend that it doesn't exist, that you are running out of space in your tiny little closet and you even forgot which skeleton came first and which came last. The thing is, there's nothing else you can do, you see, so you continue to do what you do best. Smile and pretend - nobody can know. But of course, the one tiny detail we always overlook about skeletons in the closet is that they come out anyway.
And when it does,
all you can do is sit there, raw and hurt and vulnerable, and bare your bones to everyone else. 

cogito ergo sum

It's 40 minutes to midnight and just like routine the house mates and I have slowly drifted into our little pigeon-holes. Sometimes we'll huddle around the heater in the living room and sometimes we watch movies and sometime even the occasional tang yuan party or two but everyday we need to hide in our rooms to be by ourselves because there is comfort in being alone - that is, alone with your thoughts - because spending time with yourself is very important and many people forget that.

I'm swathed in a cable knit sweater and nursing a cup of chilled tea - it is supposed to be warm but it is winter and the heat from the heater is unable to travel to my room - and smelling the musk of my scented candle and enjoying the closure of the day where your thoughts are free to form as it slowly pours out your mind uncaged and free to become whole.

It is nice to be close to my thoughts. Under the hypnotic daze of sleepiness, the Walls slowly draws back down for reprieve. This is when I feel the most true. In the day fragments of thoughts become tangled up, censored, filtered and stuck and never comes to bubble up as complete form for me to draw out so it slowly dissolves back into my subconscious.

A couple of weeks back I learnt in Western Philosophy that a French Philosopher named Descartes once famously said "Cogito Ergo Sum" - I think, therefore, I am and has neatly used logic to explain that the proof of our existence lies in our ability to think. (Read: Meditations One and Two) While aware of the loopholes in his argument, I couldn't help but start pondering about how it is our mental faculty - to discern, to scrutinize. to judge, to imagine etc. -is a good indicator of our existence. I am a real thing, but what thing? A thing that thinks. I exist but what am I? I am the I whom I know I exist. Then, I will exist for as long as I think.

Following this premise then it is true to say that I will cease to exist when I cease to think. Would it also hold some grain of truth if I say that I do not fully exist in moments when I do not think independently but follow the will of the masses? And for that short moment, I did not exist fully in the world but in fractions. If it were true then I wondered where did that missing fraction of my existence went to. Am I to be an eternal glow in the distance, flickering in and out of existence in this world? I am here but not here, there but not there either.

I thought that strange and sad at the same time. Denying your own existence, even in parts, is such a a waste and I'm saying all this not in an emotional way but in an economical way - as in don't you want to maximize the utility and optimize your life.

idk maybe all this is coming to my head because I'm afraid of shutting my own mind down because what I want/need is not in the flow of the mainstream of what is most advised/rational etc.

(this is the part where my friends would - ironically - tell me to stop thinking so much haw haw haw okay bye.)

11/11

It's Single's Day in China!
Which is celebrated by staying home and shopping online (I'm not joking) This is a day most embraced by Alibaba who made 1.8 billion in the first hour of frenetic shopping.
I was told that Single's Day isn't a day where you celebrate "forever alone" - rather, it's their version of Valentine's Day. In the eyes of the Chinese, a couple is viewed as a single entity hence the name, Singles can celebrate it to since they are considered as a single entity by themselves.

In light of today and the barrage of questions I have been made to field about my love life of late, I shall publicly release a statement to say that "No, I never had a boyfriend. But yes, I've dated. And no, I'm not exactly looking for one right now. So yes, I'm gonna die alone with my cats/dogs"

Of course that is not to say that I don't believe in love or anything. I love the idea of love as much as the next person - like Jack and Rose or Hazel and Augustus and I would love to be in love. It's beautiful.

But then in our chase to find someone to love us, we always forget to love ourselves. How can you expect someone to love you when you can't even love yourself? Most of the time, you'll end up falling for someone who's not going to love you back. That's why it's so important to be able to come to terms with yourself first.

And that's exactly where I am - at the juncture in my life where I need to be able to focus on myself and resolve all my internal conflicts. I'll whine and grouch about how I'm crazy about whoever but in all seriousness, I can scarcely fathom the idea of being in a commitment and being accountable to someone else at the cost of compromising myself. It's not selfish, it's self-preservation.

I really appreciate all the advice and encouragement to find somebody but I'm just going to leave it up to God to take this one. If it's meant to be, it will be. If it isn't, then I'm glad I like animals.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

journey

The MSI journey has finally come to an end.

I'm very ecstatic and proud to be your Miss Personality - especially so, because it was voted by my fellow ladies who got to know me during these past few months. 

I've received a lot of comments from family, friends, past Queens and finalists that they all felt I did tremendously well and thought I would have gotten placed in the Top 5. Even though I didn't, being a finalist and winning Miss Personality is more than I could ever dreamed of achieving. If you asked me a few months back, I would have laughed in your face and perhaps even scoffed at the idea of me being in a pageant. When my friends initially found out I was in MSI, they all thought I was joking and yet here I am, living in this supposedly absurd notion that became a reality. 

It has been a tough and an exhausting journey but I'm so thankful to have this batch of ladies by my side. Together we went through intensive lessons to speak well, have poise and deportment and learn how to catwalk in different attires. They taught me things I never knew - how to draw my eyebrows, how to curl my hair without burning myself, how to model in 6 inch heels etc. More than that, they taught me to be caring, to be kind, to be confident and to be gentle.

I love how that despite it being a competition, we sincerely help one another out, be it buying lunch/dinner, sending them home or giving friendly and helpful advice whenever one of us needed it. 

We've also seen so many past finalists such as Kyla, Jia Min, Vivi, Stella, Ashley, carve out time from their busy schedule to come back and help the current batch. An insane amount of gratitude also goes out to the MSI Organizing Committee such as Janice and Sharon to help make our pageant life as smooth and easy as possible. 

To be honest, I used to be one of those people who didn't think much about pageant or the people involved in it. I literally had to be forced to be part of Eusoff Hall pageant. Now, I'm completely changing my tune.

Before I joined this pageant, I came from a very bad place. Things were just going downhill in record speed until I found myself in Nepal and that's where SWA and MSI found me and scouted me out. I started out as someone who was swallowed by her demons but now I've become a better person, a better woman. 

I have this to thank to the people I met in this pageant. I learnt from each and every one of you:

To Kim - who's the cutest and most loving personal cheerleader I'll ever know,
To Jojo - a fierce, strong and independent Sexy Mama who's always unafraid,
To Deborah - full of love and kind words and all sorts of helpful (#debiseverywhere)

To Sim Mel - my favourite sunshine girl whom I secretly love even though she always laughs at me

To Thara - for making me tell me how beautiful I am and infecting me with your positiveness

To Kayley - the loveliest heart and possibly the most gorgeous girl at IRAS

To Lisa - my fellow nigga for all the times we laughed at ourselves

To Sonia - for all those witty quips and helpful insights to things I never knew o.o 

To Jo Ring - for your shyness yet insane determination

To Caro - for your inspiring resilience and perseverance 

To Aminah - for all our secret talks during the car rides hehe 

To Vanessa - for all those times you entertained me with your accent and being someone whom I can look up to 

I'm not free from my past but I am in a better position to deal with them now. I'm a lot more self-assured and empowered. To spare everyone the gory details, let's just say that it's been a long time since I have been comfortable in my own skin and this is a gift that I will fight my hardest to keep. I came so far and I never want to go back.

I'm sharing this little fun fact about me because I guess I just want to share to those who feel like they are stuck in a bad place; who feel like they are suffocating by their own crap - Your bones are not made of glass, you can take life's hard knocks. Things can get better, even in the most unexpected of ways. Don't be blinded by your own problems and open your eyes to a way out. Because my eyes are wide open and it looks amazing.

body comparative

Tonight I'm Marilyn confidence and Audrey grace
Tonight I'm an Affair to Remember love
Tonight I'm victorious and overflowing happiness
    and tomorrow is when this movie star life will be over
    and it will be nothing but a long-forgotten dream






People often say that if you don't think about It then It would suddenly cease to exist.
Everyone knows that's not true. But they still try to believe it anyway.
It is the principle of object permanence; that things continue to exists even if it cannot be seen.
That even if you drown myself in thoughts of a happier time, the tide still turns and the memory of him washes up ashore. And by him I mean he or she or it or anyone or anything.
The realisation crashes over you: he is real, out there in the world, somewhere, all flesh and blood, breathing and not thinking about you too. The difference is that you actually put in effort to do so.

I'm sorry that you are haunted by memories because I am too. The distinction between what is real and what is not is blurred so much in dreams. It is unsettling. I wake up wondering if I would wake up once more and find out this life is nothing but another figment of my psyche.

If I could run backwards fast enough to go to the past, I would. But I can't. And for that I am sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry that you can't romanticise hurt. Or loneliness. Or sadness. So sorry, sorry; yesterday can no longer be looked upon in the light of recollection without the taint of the present. Sorry that you are still standing at where he left you.

The thing is that everybody hurts. Resenting this would mean feeling guilty for being human. At least we are the few to have known what it's like to be drunk on vetiver, musk and madness; lying dead on a Queen-sized bed.

For now, we wait. Because one of the beautiful things about being human is that we forget.
And some things are better left forgotten.

style strut

After two years of talking about it, Shiya and I FINALLY did a collaboration together. We've been talking about it since we've met during my Uni Orientation and have been delaying it for the longest time but we managed to catch up once again and actually did a small shoot.

I was really comfortable working with her because she was very encouraging and this was someone who had seen me do even more embarrassing stuff HAHA so comparatively, this was extremely mild.
Do go like her on Shiya Chen Photography on Facebook because her photography is just gorgeous!

Here are some behind-the-scenes shots:

At first I was insanely happy and excited to be on such a high rooftop but then I got extremely sad because I found out I ripped a HUGE hole in my dress. Shiya couldn't stop laughing at it because it was just so obvious :(  

On a completely unrelated note, I realised that I use Instagram a lot to check back on the major stuff I did in the past week.#instaftw

Hung out with Gabe last Sat before I fell ill with gastric flu so I mainly stayed at home to recuperate by watching Suits and playing DOTA. I'm still not at my best condition but definitely well enough to go out now! Caught up with my favourite half-Japanese Nat because the last time I saw her it was during Finals. Really missed her comforting presence a lot because she's extremely mature, a good listener and has such a great heart. 

We went to Underground Mkt today and so many great finds!!!!!! There were fashionistas such as Savina Chai, Linda Hao, Pia Jacq, Sonia Chew etc. there so the loot was just faboo.
I bought :

• Unknown brand Tiger Sweatshirt Top - 5 bucks
• ASOS Sequinned Summer Dress - 10 bucks
• Topshop Boutique Dusty Pink Tulle Maxi Skirt - 20 bucks
• Miss Selfridge Turquoise Fully Beaded Romper - 20 bucks
• Unknown brand Varsity Mesh Overlay - 10 bucks 
• Vintage Beaded and Embellished Slip Dress - 10 bucks
• Topshop Boutique Leather Shorts - 18 bucks
• Diane Von Frustenberg Military Silk Shirt Dress - 17 bucks

I'm really broke now........no kidding. I always get this surge of happiness when I buy something but after that there's this pang of guilt because I've a financial goal to meet for myself. 

Was reading Xue's blog and she talked about being afraid at what the future holds:

my ideas of this year were so different from the way things are working out now and I feel like everyone around me is okay. they’re going places, everything is new and fresh, exciting. and for me some mornings it hurts to get up and most nights I am glad to hit the sack because it means I get to sleep if I'm lucky. some nights I stay up because my mind will not shut up. I am tired of being scared. I want to be like the woman in Proverbs 31:25 which is coincidentally (or not) my phone wallpaper - "clothed with strength and dignity and can laugh without fear of the future", because she trusts God. and tonight I realised I am not that way. I cannot laugh without fear of the future because I still am clinging, refusing to let go of things I want and how I feel, tight-fisted, refusing to let God be God. refusing to actually believe that when I quote Romans 8:28 that it really is true. He is making all things work for my good. even if that good is not what I think it is. I want to live that abundant life that Jesus came to bring, not cowering in fear of what the next day will bring or make me feel.

I guess what she spoke about really resonated with me because I've been stuck at this crossroad in my life for so long. But there are some positive things that I've picked up while meeting with new people and I've learnt that:

a) If you're stuck in a valley, stuck in between two mountains and you are unsure of what you want, you can just go up one mountain first. Even if you are disgruntled by what you get at the top of that mountain, you can always come back down and go up the other mountain instead. Which is better than doing nothing at all.

b) A rigid perspective only limits you and if you break those barriers down, suddenly life is a lot easier. There is no one way of doing things. 

I made a promise to myself that I am going to cut back on my spending as of this week because every bit counts in saving up for my overseas education. I made the choice on going to law school in UK and I know some people are like whuuuuuuut? are you sure? but all I can say now is that nope, I'm not sure but at least I have a direction I'm going, Maybe I will change my mind, maybe I won't. But I'm not walking around in circles any more.