sleepless

if it's one thing you should know - it's never to take sleep for granted.

If I could sleep, I would, but I can't. So here I am, a gold VIP member of Starbucks, at 4am writing up a lab report to the faint murmurs of the coffee machine against the silence of the night. 

I foresee that I will be able to renew my gold status by the end of finals. 

Time trickles away like smoke you try to catch with your bare hands. Less than a few months ago, I was in another country, another time and place, miles away from this purgatory limbo towards the grand goal of Finals. Sometimes I am hit with amnesia and I forget what it is like to be free from burdens and woes. I must remember that your life functions to make you tired and restless, hungry to indulge and vaguely dissatisfied with the course you are on - this is the (ironically) ultimate average life. People attribute the those who are truly happy and satisfied are the ones who are lucky. But luck is the planning you don't see.

Oh great, now I'm sounding like a champion of Ayn Rand's Objectivism or Stoppard's Rosencrantz. 

furthest north, deepest south

furthest north, deepest south

Wow - was it only weeks ago that we sat in a circle at LT13 to do our first reading of the script together? I never did expect for us to mesh together so well as a theatre company, which, you know, can be quite the rare occurrence when tempers flare and stress hits an all-time high as we move towards production week. One of the nicest things that came out of the play was the cast and crew, whom I wouldn't have gotten so close to if not for this play. It is quite comforting to be surrounded by such an eclectic mix of personalities where absolutely nothing is construed as weird and you can be as crazy as you wanted to be. We were pretty insane - especially during those days where rehearsals were at least 8 hours long and went completely mental. As a group, we get quite a lot of double-takes and stares cause we're mofo loud and noisy but it's okay, cause we don't give a shit. 

After months of hard work, we devised and staged 'Furthest North, Deepest South' by Chong Tze-Chien at UCC Dance Studio. Seriously thank you to all those who came and supported us, even if some of the feedback we got from the audience was: 'what the fk did I just watch?' Special thanks to my spirit animal, Amanda See, who was the only one who came down to watch just for me. 

It was pretty nerve-wrecking because you had all these names in the Singapore theatre industry present in the audience to watch our graduate play. Also, the black-box setting is extremely intimate which means you can see everyone's faces up close. I thought I would freak out but for some unknown reason, I didn't. This is my first time as a lead actor in a very emotional stage play whereby about 80% of the lines were mine. Everyone's confidence in me really gave me the ability to believe that I could pull it off. My director left me a three-word message that said, "You got this." and he spoke to me that he strongly felt that I should find further opportunities in the theatre field, as a performer or if not, at the very least someone in performance studies. I'm very thankful that I had the chance to do this, this role really pushed myself as an actor and having gone through that, I feel like I could do this for the rest of my life. 

I'm pretty sure I gave the performance of my lifetime, thus far, during the opening show. I nailed the parts where I always had a bit of a problem. I didn't do as well on Sunday but managed to improvise on the spot when cues went completely haywire. 

When the play ended, I didn't linger because there was nobody I knew in the audience so I headed straight to the dressing room. On my way, there were professors who congratulated me for doing a good job and even overheard strangers talking about my performance, one of them even came up to tell me that I gave a very impressive performance. All this meant more to me because unlike friends, they weren't obliged to praise me or anything so wow, highlight of my theatre career thus far. 

Really want to thank the cast - wen, sofi, soonie, wally, lx, elaine, val, rebekah; SMs - renee and theresa; multimedia dude - shaggy; lighting designer - liting; producer nora and director felipe for being such a great bunch to work with. Even if this is a one-time thing, I do hope I can work with you guys again in the future. 

Our graduate Theatre Studies play production has finally come to an end. 

could it be another change

Oops, so I have pulled a disappearing act once again. I'd traded makeup and dresses for dry-fit singlets and FBTs for a week.
I was only supposed to drop by but going back to Arts Camp really felt like coming home. Coming back to T1 truly was one of the best decisions I've made. As a House i/c, I couldn't really spend a lot of time with my OG but as a returning senior, I could hang out with my silly and awesome freshies and juniors as well as catch up with my own batch mates and ex-House i/cs. 

It's hard for people to understand why I make so many sacrifices for "just a camp" but you have to be in it to understand how truly important and magical it really is. Even as a crasher councillor, I had my special moments during this camp as well. I made the entire T- House cry (again) for war games after I talked to them and we rallied to win the last round. All those times when my juniors trusted me to help them when they couldn't. And those times when my OG was there to take care of me regardless of the situation. 

I know some people forget how it's like when they turn from a child to an independent adult. I know that things will get hard as you grow older and that pictures of good memories will become old photographs. But for right now, something beautiful has happened. Knowing that you're not alone - that will carry you through a long way in life. 

Back to sorting out my schedule! (What happened to a relaxing summer???)

Doing a Dressabelle fashion show tomorrow / yoga as much as possible / fashion intern work / 2am: experience work / living in the moment and participating actively / being alive
(cue 'Hereos' by David Bowie)

candlelight

"there are never second chances in a single moment"

And yet, the mind is able to bend the continuum of time and space and here I am revisiting the memory of performing Candlelight over and over again. 22nd and 23rd March certainly marked an important day for Singapore English Language Theatre and I'm ecstatic to have been part of it.

First and foremost, Candlelight is an experimental fringe drama so it is honestly harder to assess and enter the world as compared to a naturalistic play. It is more emotive than narrative; you cannot rationalize it but rather, receive and react. To put it simply, it is quite the Inception and there are layers and layers to peel apart. Frankly, I never understood it until about 1 and a 1/2 month before production day.

It is about story-telling; we are all spirits that enter this realm to help Jonathan and Jadene convey their stories to the audience. The ensemble embodies the stories and characters needed. At the heart of it is Jonathan's inability to confront his own dyslexia while bearing the burden of passing on the legacy of Ah Kong and his stories. His self-resentment and anger is channelled towards both his memory of Ah Kong and his family creating tensions in his life. However, when he finally came to terms with it and overcame that one problem that plagued his life, his sudden death brings about a new burden upon Jadene. Underscoring this play is a cyclical theme - just as how Jonathan's Grandfather relates their lineage to People of the Sky, Jonathan identifies himself as the sea, while Jadene relates herself to rain. Likewise, the burden of legacy is passed on from generation to generation. 

It's a hard story to tell but it is an important one all the same. Extra points to you if you caught the Noh-elements that were prevalent in the play. I can never forget all the super-slow Suzuki walks around 2.4m pillars, the intense ritual of donning the blue shirts, the devising to become mimosas and raindrops, the drastic physical and vocal change from playing Grandfather to Mimosa to Neutral Spirit to Julia and back again. This is probably the craziest and most tiring play I've ever done. All the slow walks were surprisingly exhausting and draining. It is truly the toughest 1 hour 10 minutes I ever had on stage, and we only started proper during January? W-o-w.

Thanks so much to the very talented and brillant cast - Karynne, Judy, Chester and Walter for the fun and wild rehearsals and deep & meaningfuls during supper. Also much kudos to Koon Hui who is simultaneously as annoying as he is passionate about the theatre; so much gratitude towards you for believing in me and calling out on my bullshit. Thank you to one of the theatre doyens, Peter Sau who whipped us all into shape because he is the Peter Sau.

To Christabel and Tricia, who are the world's cutest SM and ASM! Even though they got scolded an insane amount, they kept trudging on and never losing their optimism and enthusiasm which was so admirable! Totes love all the encouraging Tumblr photos and messages y'all keep sending me.
To those in the production team - crazy Claudia, qt Jacq, zai Yi Ting, jammin' Jordan, Hwee Bunzzz and the rest, thank you for all your hard work and being the ultimate sai-kang warriors because this success really goes out to you guys!

So much love to those who came and supported me - both theatre and non-theatre family and friends! This is the first time my family actually watched me performed. Even though they attended my bowling competitions, I never seen them give me a look of pride as they did when I came out of the theatre.

Hugs and kisses to Chang and Gracia who swore they didn't sleep during the performance even though they woke up at 5am to do some rekke work for our next project; The Rascals who is always there for me; A3 gals for coming down to watch and support me just because; Suren, Low Ann and Philip who popped by unexpectedly (but it was a welcome surprise); Yi-wen and Min Lu for your joy from watching Candlelight (Definitely picked the right theatre successors for hall!); The DP cast who are as kooky as ever and came all the way on a Sunday night just to support their Drama Director :-)

Look after your art and your art will look after you - never did this line speak to me more than it did now. (The) Peter Sau has even proposed for us to think about staging Candelight at The Substation which is HUUUUUGE. Or for me at least. All those bruises and exhaustion was worth it.

Maybe it'll happen or maybe it'll won't; it doesn't matter now. I am just (finally) mustering the courage to face my (apparently unfounded) fears and switch my majors around to making Theatre Studies my primary course of study instead of my second. All my friends knew this would happen since I was Year 1 and they said it was just a matter of time. I guess the time is now; Arts Festival really gave me a greater sense of clarity and gave me the impetus to take that step forward.

I don't know where this will take me. But here I am taking the plunge and I am exhilarated.

For now, snuggle time with Pao Pao panda and Ben Pieface Jr! 

Love is A Place

14/02/2014

It's only been less than a year but I still remember how Terence and Megan approached me to be Drama Director. I was in Switzerland and they kept messaging me no matter how many times I kept saying no. I was extremely hesitant because I felt that Eusoff Drama was always sidelined and theatre is something that I took very seriously. Furthermore, I was an actress with no directorial experience. I was afraid that I would be way out of my depth.

My fears were founded. Somehow being a Drama Director also meant part-SM, part-PM, part-scriptwriter, part-lights designer etc. and it was incredibly tough having to do all this while training a relatively inexperienced cast, push for a consistent creative direction while not knowing what the dances were up to, and compete for proper venues to rehearse. I was exhausted; 6 modules, arts festival rehearsals were draining me, let alone the fact that my personal front was in shambles.

Somehow I found the will to commit and see it to the best as I could.

• Fatimah was my rock - she was worried I would break and was there for me every step of the way to help me out in her capacity as both a friend and an assistant director. There are no words to express how grateful I am for you.
• Amanda, Bella, Chun Hou, Yu Jin, Bryan: I had the best cast I could ever ask for. I'm glad I went with my intuition because I saw something in them that was worth the risk. Although they may not be the most punctual, but they are such a hard-working bunch. Somehow 2-hour rehearsals became 3, which became 4 and sometimes even 6 hour long. I saw them bloom from how they were in their auditions (frankly quite terrible) to actors who were capable of possessing such intense emotions. And we had fun all the time - (disclaimer: times when I wasn't getting bullied by them).
• Xuan Chen, Alvin & Yangyi - I still remember three of you saying to me, "Tell us what you need and we'll get it done. We'll support you however we can." I never felt so glad to have people like y'all on the team, who believed in me more than I did in myself and for listening to my concerns and helping me out whenever you guys could.
• Emi - Thank you for being so supportive of the many changes we made to your script. Most of the time scriptwriters tend to get defensive but your understanding as well as willingness to come down to rehearsals to see what could be improved really helped elevate the Drama a lot.
• Sounds/Lights/Wardrobe/Sets/ Main Comm etc. - I may not know all of you but what I do know is that I salute each and every one of you. No production is without its crew and the role you play is so crucial into making it a success. Every stitch, every audio edits, every sets touch-up and tech run all culminates into something bigger. The success is yours to own as well.
• Twan, Yx, Carissa, Steph Sim, Jun An, Wilfred, Natasha and others - people who I could always talk to and never failed to cheer me up. You know who you are. 

Never in my life did I expect this production to be such a huge success. It seems all the odds were against us, since it was on Valentines Day and the last day of Chinese New Year but we did it. I never heard of an audience that clapped after every scene or after every dance.

Honestly, I've never been so emotionally invested in a production before. I gave a part of my heart to this production and it was worth it ten times over. Nobody knows this but I actually wrote the final scene based on something that was real and very personal to me; watching it come alive on stage by the actors, especially with Dance 7 and Dance 8 heightening the emotions was sort of a catharsis for me. I cried in all the full runs we had at UCC. It really reminded me how the success of the production was a joint effort of both Drama and Dance.

It was an amazing experience - one that was a turning point in my life. It was done with no regrets. I will never forget this moment. 

To Amanda, Bryan, Chun Hou, Yu Jin & Bella - You guys deserve every praise. I couldn't be prouder. We may not cross paths again but I wish each and everyone of you all the best. If Love is a Place, then being with you guys was it. I only have so much love for all of you. You carry my heart.Thank you for everything.

With love, Shannen
Drama Director of Eusoff Hall Drama-Dance Production 13/14

post-finals

FINALS IS OVER
FINALS IS OVER
FINALS IS OVAAAAAAAAAH

Never seen without a textbook

Felt like I had to say it 3 times, because it certainly isn't kicking in.
After a gazillion weeks of intense mugging sessions from 9am-11pm at Starbucks/NLB, I got so used to such a mundane routine that I headed straight back to Utown after my last exam and proceeded to start on my non-school related work. Jorji threatened to send me home.

Ugh how on earth did I manage to get through Year 2 Sem 1? I had 6 term papers, 3 projects and 4 final exams. Ew grossssss. Ain't nobody interested in the mug life. The thing is, we're not even half-way through our course and there's still graduate school...it's a bit hard to digest and slightly frightening. I think I just need some time-off and do nothing. I simply revel in it. I remembered during our Bali trip in May, Jorji and I were so contented lying on the deck chairs while the rest of them burned their asses off in the sun. We're going to have to remember this exact moment when school starts again, he said. Yes, I replied, most definitely because doing nothing is a privilege we cannot afford.

Throwback Tuesday

Totes looking forward to spending some quality time with my gal pals, because I saw Jorji and Jw every single day for the past month or so. If I spend any more time with boys only, I fear my boobs will concave and I'll grow a dick so yeah.

Anyway mucho things to do - move out of hall, christmas shopping, casting callbacks, trim hair, stuff, etc.
Going to sleep tonight smiling at the thought of holidays.
Goodnight, xx